Smoke, Smoke, Smoke that Cigarette.

Finally, a book for those who've tried and tried and tried, but just haven't been able to start. Here's a little of the Washington Post's review:

"If you think for a moment that this is easy to do, think again. Starting smoking is serious business, and procrastination is always tempting. As the authors point out, one timid nonsmoker after another has been heard to blurt out the classic excuses: "I'll start tomorrow," or "I'll start after Lent," or "I'll start when there's been a death in the family." It is the authors' promise, though, that if you follow their various prescriptions, "just three weeks after you have started reading this book, you will be smoking, and maybe even enjoying, your first cigarette!" You will become fully acquainted with "the procedure and paraphernalia of smoking," and you will discover the joys of turning your entire bank account over to R.J. Reynolds and Philip Morris.

Isn't that the very definition of "liberation"? Free to smoke, to go broke, to gasp and wheeze and choke and croak? Call those the smoker's Six Freedoms, 1 1/2 times as many as Franklin Roosevelt's -- and this greatest of 20th-century presidents, please bear in mind, was a world champion smoker whose jauntily tilted filter gave hope to the entire nation in its hours of despair. Obviously, what was wrong with all those who followed him in the White House, especially the wimpy past three, is that they did not smoke or, if they did, kept quiet about it; though Bill Clinton did have a way with a cigar.

So take heart from the example of FDR and the inspirational prose of Cockerill and Owen, not to mention the testaments of others who have followed their path to the nirvana of addiction. Take 20-year-old Dean, for example: 'It was after my exams that I first felt like giving up. It's the times when you're least stressed that it's so tempting to throw in the towel. So I try to make sure that I'm in stressful situations or find something worrying to think about and that usually gets me reaching for another smoke.'"

Here's the whole thing. The book is called The Easy Way to Start Smoking: a Step by Step guide to Smoking Twenty Cigarettes a Day (and Loads More in the Evening). And, by the way, the review was published in 4 April's edition, not 1 April's. Obvious satire and probably very funny (but only in a tragi-comic way for too many), but I'd be willing to start a pool on when the first lawsuit is filed against the authors.